As most of you probably know, tomorrow is my 27th birthday. Most of you are probably saying that this shouldn't bother me. I'm still young. But it does bother me. It's been eating at me most of this week. I'm not sure why, but I feel a whole lot older the 27, but at the same time can't believe that I'm 27. I know it's not a milestone year like 30 or 20 or 25, but for some reason it has really affected me. I find myself dreading tomorrow. I know that it won't change anything, but it feels like it will. I've already gone through my quarter life crisis at 25. I've already thrown my life in the air to see where it lands by quitting jobs and ended up right back where I started. As I said at the beginning of this blog, I feel closer to God than I have in a long time. But for some reason. This one day really bothers me.
I think part of it has to do with being closer to the age where I need to know what's happening in my life. At least this is how I feel. It seems that most people my age seem to have most things figured out. You've settled into a career. You're starting your family. For the most part you know where you're life is going. I don't have anything figured out. I don't have a career. Kids seem so distant to me right now. Life seems so up in the air for me. Jennifer has a career. Our friends are having kids like crazy. It feels like time has slipped away from me and I don't know what happened. My whole life I've had these huge dreams of what I was going to do with my life. Very rarely have they involved a steady and normal career. And until I met Jennifer they didn't usually involve kids and a family.
I think part of it is the conflicting voices in my head. One says I should give up my dreams and just settle for what I have now. One says not to give up the dreams. Not to forget the things I have now, but to look instead to the dreams that God has given me. The talents that I have. The ideas being planted in my head.
I think the thing that's getting me the most about this birthday is that it's bringing both voices out louder. And with all this screaming in my head it seems hard to concentrate on anything else.
Well, anyway... If you read all of that, I thank you. I don't know if any of it made sense. It's really early or late or however you want to look at it, and sleep has been hard with the voices and all.
As I end this post, I don't want anyone to worry about me. I didn't write these things up here to cause you to worry. I just needed a place to get these things out. Hopefully tomorrow will come and go soon. Maybe my mind will calm down a little after that.
Thanks...
~gs/the walking zombie/the 27 year old who knows nothing but that God is good
