Friday, September 14, 2007

It's been over a month since I've last posted anything. I'm sorry about the delay. Things have been a little crazy around here. For the most part things are OK, or getting there, but it still feels like a lot of this is up in the air. Oh, well. Through all of this I have found a new closeness to God and new levels of trust in Him. Through some of the darkest times in these past few months, I've felt the reassuring hand of God working in my life. And through it all, I've known that things were going to turn out fine. But that's not really what I wanted to talk about here. So, I'll move on...

As most of you probably know, tomorrow is my 27th birthday. Most of you are probably saying that this shouldn't bother me. I'm still young. But it does bother me. It's been eating at me most of this week. I'm not sure why, but I feel a whole lot older the 27, but at the same time can't believe that I'm 27. I know it's not a milestone year like 30 or 20 or 25, but for some reason it has really affected me. I find myself dreading tomorrow. I know that it won't change anything, but it feels like it will. I've already gone through my quarter life crisis at 25. I've already thrown my life in the air to see where it lands by quitting jobs and ended up right back where I started. As I said at the beginning of this blog, I feel closer to God than I have in a long time. But for some reason. This one day really bothers me.

I think part of it has to do with being closer to the age where I need to know what's happening in my life. At least this is how I feel. It seems that most people my age seem to have most things figured out. You've settled into a career. You're starting your family. For the most part you know where you're life is going. I don't have anything figured out. I don't have a career. Kids seem so distant to me right now. Life seems so up in the air for me. Jennifer has a career. Our friends are having kids like crazy. It feels like time has slipped away from me and I don't know what happened. My whole life I've had these huge dreams of what I was going to do with my life. Very rarely have they involved a steady and normal career. And until I met Jennifer they didn't usually involve kids and a family. 

I think part of it is the conflicting voices in my head. One says I should give up my dreams and just settle for what I have now. One says not to give up the dreams. Not to forget the things I have now, but to look instead to the dreams that God has given me. The talents that I have. The ideas being planted in my head.

I think the thing that's getting me the most about this birthday is that it's bringing both voices out louder. And with all this screaming in my head it seems hard to concentrate on anything else.

Well, anyway... If you read all of that, I thank you. I don't know if any of it made sense. It's really early or late or however you want to look at it, and sleep has been hard with the voices and all.

As I end this post, I don't want anyone to worry about me. I didn't write these things up here to cause you to worry. I just needed a place to get these things out. Hopefully tomorrow will come and go soon. Maybe my mind will calm down a little after that.

Thanks...

~gs/the walking zombie/the 27 year old who knows nothing but that God is good

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Son!!!

Wow... 27 years!!! Cheri and I were just talking about that; she said that she was just barely older than that, so how could you be that old???!!! HA!!!

Someone at our house is turning 59 in two weeks [not the same person that is just over 27]... And that has bothered that person to some degree as well... My age has never bothered me that much, because I feel pretty young at heart...

Oh well, a great big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!!! We love and appreciate you very much!!!

Dad :)

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Geoff!!!

Remember that God is at work every day in your life! It will be a great day tomorrow and everyday!

Love,
Mom

Sara K. said...

I send birthday greetings as well.

I remember how much I had a hard time with each of my birthdays over 25. I remember how hard 28 was, really tough and horrible in fact. I really didn't picture my life the way it turned out. Granted, I had a career that I loved...but it wasn't part of my "looking forward" vision as a younger person. The kids thing is hard for me too. I am 32 (imagine...complete decrepitude - hee hee) and I really want kids, but I also want more education and to have my career progress. And I don't want to be 85 at my children's graduation from high school. Aging is a tough thing...its like you have to reconcile your vision for where you thought you would be with where you really are. Somehow you have to come to some level of contentment with where your life is...at least that is how I have felt.

I, too, compare myself to others and when given that criteria, I never measure up. Its a self-destructive sword, and I admit to wielding it as such. I wish I knew how to let go of that behavior...

That doesn't make it easy, and there are days that I look at the number (32) and really freak out about what I haven't done. But think of all I have done in my life - not big things that the world measures as success...but the small minute things each day...for the same matter think about all that you have done in 27 years. The people you have brought joy by just your being alive, and who you are. Not to mention the books and music you have shared with people that have transported them to another world.

I know its not easy, but I send my love, support, prayers, and well-wishes for a decent day tomorrow...in fact more than a decent day...a WONDERFUL one!

Glenn said...

Well, I'm a little late for birthday greetings. But here they are anyway.

I just have a couple thoughts about your musings. First, by the time I was, I was a father with a 2nd child on the way. Little did I know that just after my 29th birthday I would have 3! While I enjoyed (and still do) our kids, it was also an extremely hectic time. All of that to say: Just because the others are making families, don't buy the pressure to join the club until you are both ready.

On another thought: your dreams. My whole extended family knows that I love dreaming. I believe those dreams have been given to you from God. He planted those dreams in your spirit when he gave you those talents. When you stand before him, he will not ask did society call you a success. He will ask did you invest the talents and try to reach the dream.

So, I hope you keep dreaming. And know that I and all who know you believe in your dreams and your talents.

Love,
me