New blog

I know. It's been a while since I've updated. Well, that might be changing. But for now I probably won't be putting much on here. I have started up a new blog though. I've started writing a little piece on the bus ride home everyday, and thought I'd put it up for others to read and respond to. But I wanted to give it it's own place. So, for now check out my new blog: The 62 Rambles On...

Indiscriminate Act of Kindness

Just a quick note to let you all in on an artist that I'm amazed by right now. I hope you like the video. I'll post the lyrics below so you read them if you want. His name is Foy Vance. He's from Ireland. He's amazing. Need I say more? The video is him with the Ulster Orchestra from Belfast.

Indiscriminate Act of Kindness

She came in from the cold, wet

Dropped her luggage bags; looked the concierge in the eye
said I need a room for the night but I don't got no money…
Will you take payment in kind?

He said ‚ it’s alright; I've got a room here you can share mine.
Make the bed in the morning and that'll do fine.
You can change in the bathroom, hang your clothes on the line…
A tear came to here eye as she thought‚ How could he be so kind

She sat down on the bed with a needle
He said I'd hate to see you bleed
I'll just fetch a warm towel and sit with you till your dry
She started to cry saying ‚Why‚ why, why

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

She was cold turkey. He was holding her hand
She said I was ruined by a man‚ and this was never in my plan
I dreamed of men who loved me together we'd see the world
But somehow I lost myself among the insults they hurled

I'm sure you're a wonderful woman, and someday there'll surely be someone
So just relax now. It's important that you're calm
She said‚ how is it you can see past me as I am

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

When you took your chances it was like you placed a bet
And sometimes this is the reward you can get
I was always taught, when you see someone defiled
You should look them in the eye and smile
Take their hand or better still, take them home Home Home…

She awoke early in the morning made the bed gathered up her clothes to leave
Saw the concierge curled on the settee
And said what you did for me is hard for me to believe

I was just doing what was right
No one that knows love could leave you out there on such a night
If you can help someone bear this in mind
and consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness

Consider it an indiscriminate act of kindness!

Heavy

It's come to that point again where I can't believe I've gotten to that point again. You wouldn't believe how many times I've been here looking around and wondering what's going on. I feel so lost and so alone. Even as people start to surround me again. Nothing seems to ever change. I just keep messing things up again and again. Times like these I feel like I want to run away. Nothing matters. Nothing changes. Nothing stays the same. I know that makes no sense. It's not supposed to. I don't know what sense to make out of the jumble of things going on in my head. Nothing seems worth it right now. I'm at a point in my life where it seems that things should be set up. Things should be the way they will be for a while. Yet nothing is set up. I don't even know what to set up let alone how to set it up. As these words pour from me, I know that no one will probably read them or if for some reason I do put this out there somewhere. No one will understand it.
Every one around me seems to like me. Them seem to think that I'm good for something. At home my wife loves me and treats me good. My dog jumps in my lap and should help me be happy, but I find my self clinging to them both hoping that they will cure this pain inside. Knowing that they can't. Knowing that they don't even know this pain. Knowing that I would do anything within my power to never let them feel this kind of pain. Knowing that if I let them go, they may never come back. Sometimes thinking that might be for their best.
At church people seem happy to see me, but no one has really taken the time to get to know me. Maybe that's my fault. They all say hi and introduce themselves. I smile and introduce myself. Meeting adjourned. See you again next week. Same bat time. Same bat place. Why is it that I can no longer let anyone in? Why is it that when people do reach out to me I push them away? Why is that I feel so alone and yet can't bring myself to reach out to people?
At work they can't believe the things that I can get done. Yet they cut my hours to the point that I can't even put food on the table. All the job is for me now is an excuse to get out of the house and a chance to try and add a few dollars to the bills. But I end up spending more than I make and can't seem to reign it in. My bank probably loves me. Anyone I give that much money to probably should. I can't seem to even stay afloat.
I feel God leading me in all these directions. But no real directions on how to get there. These thoughts that pop into my head that I wish were out there are not and I feel called to do them. But have no way to do them. Or knowledge on how to do them. I've tried to come closer to God only to find my demons in the way.
I know that none of this makes sense. But these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. This is a glimpse at the pain that is within me. I don't expect anyone to understand. I don't even expect anyone to comment. I don't think I would. If you do read these words, I'm sorry to put you through it. You shouldn't have to wade through this river of confusion that I happen to put myself into more and more these days. I'm sorry to drop all this on you like this. What can I say. I went to write something and the floodgates have opened up and so forth came the flood. I don't even know why I'm typing this to begin with. I just know that I'm lost and alone and scared. Please look on me kindly for these words. My heart is heavy. My mind is heavy. My hands are heavy. I want you all to know that I write this not to make anyone else feel bad or to be a burden to anyone. That is the last thing that I want. I write this because I needed to get it out there. More of this may be coming your way soon. I have several topics I'd like to talk about. Hopefully not everything will be so crazy and frantic. Or make me sound like such a manic depressive freak. I'm sorry if this scared you. I didn't know it was coming either. But now that it's out it only feels right to hit the publish button and put it out there for good.

New working hours

Well, I just wanted to write a little note to let you all know about my new hours at work. As most of you know, for the last 3 months I've been working overnights and it's been a pretty hard time for me. Before this I would have told you that working nights is the best thing for me. Well, I don't know if it's that I'm a little older or that I now have things that I like to do during the day, but it was the hardest thing for me to do these overnights. I would leave the house usually around 8 PM and not get back until between 7 and 8 the next morning. I found that the hardest thing about it was wanting to spend more time with Jennifer and not wanting to leave just a few hours after she got home.

But anyway those nights are over now and I'm back onto days now. Or should I say early mornings. Now, I'm not really a morning person at all, but if it means I get to stay home and sleep in my bed at night, I'm all for it right now. I do have to leave pretty early in the morning, but it's not really too bad. I have to leave at 5 AM now. With the switch back to mornings they put me back down to only working about 20-25 hours again. With me working 4 or 5 hours a day. This made no sense to me because I felt my bus commuting time shouldn't be equal to or greater than the time I spend at work. So, I've worked it out with them that I now work 3 eight hour days a week. So, I'm working the same hours but I don't have to be there 5 days a week. They weren't too sure about this, but have gone along with it for now. They said they'd have to keep track of the store needing the shelving time before we open on the other 2 days. But I think it should work out fine. So, I start my new schedule today and I'm really looking forward to it. Not really the getting up and 3:30 or 4 but the being able to spend more time at home doing things I care more about.

Oh and the other reason I wanted to work fewer days is to spend more time on my writing. So, you may see some additions to the site. Who knows. I may even start updating you on the comings and goings of our lives out here in Oregon. I'll keep you all updated.